The Remote Workout

"I'm Late?! Wha…wha…(big yawn)…whaddiya talking about? Chris…you know I'm in Vegas today."

Pete's responding to my early morning page: "Hey, White Rabbit, it's almost 6am, where ya at?"

"I told you: gone 'til Wednesday. Has your aluminum cookware finally insinuated its way into your brain?"

"Very funny. You're Wolfgang Puck now? It's hard anodized and there's no real evidnece that dietary aluminum even makes it to the brain, much less causes Alzheimer's." (Pause) "So Pete, whatta surprise. How come you're calling?"

Pete sighs. "I'm in Vegas."

"Oh, Yeah, what're you doing?".

"(Yawn)…was sleeping. I have…(yawn)…a big meeting with some lenders in 2 hours."

"Great! So you're not busy."

"Actually,I was slee–"

"Have you worked out yet?

"Worked out? Chris, I'm in bed."

"It's YOUR hour Pete. Aren't you here to get fit!"

"Here?!"

"Yeah, here! In the…uh…training groove." Yeah, training groove. That's the ticket.

I'm in the gym. Salads Galore doesn't open for breakfast until 8am–far as I'm concerned, Pete's on the clock!

"Keep the phone by your ear. We'll do a remote circuit workout. Since you're up anyway."

"Up?" Muffled groan. He must've buried his head in the pillow.

"Pete. Pete! HEY! Three exercises. That's all."

"Aw, THAT'S not even worth doing."

"Sure it is: pecs, front delts, triceps with one movement; lats, rear delts, biceps with another; quads, hams, glutes with a third."

"Can't. No equipment."

"Nice try. Got a bath towel?"

"Maybe."

"How 'bout a floor?"

"I'll check. (Pause) It appears that I do–"

"Perfect. Squats! Super-slow...for 20."

Pete sighs. (Pause) "Groan. Argh. Grrrr."

"Hey pal, I came to work."

"I have to pay for your forgetfulness?"

"…18…19…20. Done."

"Pete, don't look at it like that. Loop that towel around the door knobs, grab the ends, lean back and knock out 20 Rows. You're paying for my conscientiousness–plus this cell phone bill."

…19…20. Whew! "

"I'll pay your phone bill for a year if you'll hang up right now."

"20 Push ups. GO!"

Klink. Klink-klink.

Evidently Pete's dropped the phone down beneath his head for this exercise. Successive grunts and consequent volume swells confirm he's doing push ups, but something more is audible. A scatological review of the Old Testament.

"Pete, I didn't know you had Tourett's."

"I don't. You can take that personally."



to may, 1999, to july, 1999

Just So You Know

This was originally published in Brentwood News in June of 1999 and was an ongoing column providing a (hopefully) humorous view of the wrestling match that often occurs between trainer and client. Though Pete, who is an actual client, stars in all of these stories they really concern actual encounters with numerous clients over the last 15 years.